Are you my mommy?
by Raccoons and Pandas
Summary: Who keeps putting ducklings on the pillows of people in the military? Please excuse our insanity and the slowness of updating. We place the blame on the amount of work that's done in college.
1. ducklings follow ed

Gem: This came from a conversation in the library with yoo-hoo. I need to quit helping her with proofreading if this is what my mind comes up with. Sometimes, I think that my mind takes a vacation. I don't own FMA but I do own the chibi Ed that's dancing in my head.

**XXXXXX**

This was not what he wanted to wake up to. Really, it wasn't. Just where the ducklings came from he wasn't sure but the little things kept following him. They even followed him when he went to take a shower.

_"Definitely not eating in the cafeteria. I got stares just walking down to the showers."_

"Thanks Al," he said when he got back to his room. At least his brother knew when he wanted to eat in the cafeteria. Little did he realize who had put the ducklings there.

Al nodded in a silent reply, feeling guilty about the deed he had done. The younger Elric knew that he couldn't say anything about the ducks but what else was he supposed to do in his spare time when everyone slept? Why get baby ducks of course. He found them by the river, motherless and alone. What else could he do? Besides, it'd be good for a few laughs and hopefully, everyone would lighten up some.

Ed knew that he needed to give a report to Mustang. The only thing stopping him last night was the hour at which he got back. It was much too late for him to talk about what else he had learned. He knew that the ducks were going to follow him down to the office. He didn't want them to but it was going to happen. They started following him the moment he stood up and placed his tray on the nightstand. Al stood up to follow Ed out of the room. He wanted to see both Mustang and Ed's reactions.

_"This is going to be priceless."_

"Sir?"

"Come in Fullmetal."

As soon as Ed walked in, Roy could hardly contain his laughter. There were ducklings following him! It was almost too much. Hawkeye looked up and shook her head briefly. No wonder Roy looked like a kid in a candy store. Honestly, those two acted more like two rivaling siblings than a superior and his subordinate.

"What exactly happened?"

"Yet another false lead. I was surprised that you went home early for once."

Ed smirked.

"All right. Could you explain why you have ducklings following you?"

"No idea. I want them to quit. They were on my bed earlier this morning. There's got to be a way to get them to leave me alone!"

Hawkeye could tell that now that Ed was panicking a bit. Who wouldn't? From what she understood, Ed had arrived late last night and didn't report in due to the time. Rather he spent the night in the dorms and woke up to ducks on his pillow. She was fairly sure who was doing it but she wasn't going to say anything. Shortly afterward, Ed was dismissed and left. She heard him say something about staying around for a bit and being in the library if they needed him.

"Sir?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"Were you the one who put those ducklings on Ed's pillow?"

"No. I was just as surprised as him."

Hawkeye figured that he wasn't lying since he honestly seemed to have no idea. She also knew that he was trying hard not to laugh at the picture the Elrics painted when they came in. Sure she was used to an empty suit of armor following a smaller boy. Ed truly was small for his age. But ducklings following the elder boy in addition to his younger brother? That was too much. She started shaking with her own silent laughter.

"Al, do you know who put ducklings on my pillow last night?"

"I have no idea. Brother, going to the library probably isn't the best idea."

Ed wasn't sure if he heard an underlying lie in Al's voice but he wasn't going to pressure his brother. Not at the moment anyway. There was more important work to be done.

"I'm sure that there's a room that we can hole up in for a while. I just don't want the entire military staring at me."

Al understood what his brother meant. He'd make sure that Ed ate at some point that day. Despite his size, Al wondered where his brother put it all. And Ed was always hungry. He smiled as they found a room that was normally reserved for them. Apparently word was out that the two of them were back. There was a tray of food and several books that dealt with the Philosopher's Stone.

Al wandered out a few times to put books back and grab other ones that Ed needed. From outside the door, he couldn't hear the baby ducks but even opening the door slightly let anyone know that something was wrong.

Ed was going to work all night at the pace he was going. If only he'd admit that he was tired! Al watched as Ed's head slowly slipped off his hand and thumped on the table. He shook his head slightly and picked up his brother's body. Vaguely he wondered how his brother could eat so much and still be so light. It was practically impossible. Al took his brother back to the dorms and tucked him into bed.

_"He really needs to rest once in a while,"_ Al thought as he looked at his brother's form and all the ducks gathered around him.

It was time for part two of Operation Lighten the Mood.

Gem: Please R and R. This is going to be co-written by yoo-hoo and me. More craziness next chapter with the ducks. Who will it be? Riza? Fury? Or will Roy get his just desserts and become mallard duck of the year?


	2. Not waking up alone

**yoo-hoo/panda: hey, now its my turn to take a stab at the duckling cuteness! Enjoy!!**

* * *

Ed snapped awake. His pillow, in which he had dreamt was stew, was his mouth. Worried that somebody had seen him in this embarrassing position, Ed quickly sat up. Had he fallen asleep at the library? Yes, came the answer as the fog in his mind cleared. A bunch of ducklings had followed him yesterday, thinking he was their mother. Cheeping incessantly, it was a wonder Ed had fallen asleep at all.

Suddenly the notion hit him and he listened intently for a moment. Silence. No cheeping, no fluffy fuzz tickling his toes…they were gone. Where the ducklings had gone, Ed wasn't sure but it didn't matter. Ed threw his hands up and then tucked them behind his head. "I'm free!" He smiled happily as the question of where they had gone began to creep into his mind.

* * *

The sound of the small metal hammer hitting the two hollow bells sounded and a hand reached over to silence it. Then as if on an impulse the hand reached for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Havoc sat up, keeping his baby blues closed as he exhaled a string of smoke.

"Hm, another day I wake up alone." He mused, the lady he had talked to yesterday was no doubt in the Colonel's bed. Jean felt like a fool, telling her that if she became lonely she could come over anytime via the key under his doormat. A wave of hopelessness washed over him as he reached for his ashtray. "Will I ever win?" he wondered as he tapped the ashes in the tray and was answered by a resentful "cheep".

The baby blues were open now, and with the shroud of sleepiness still on him, Havoc looked down at a fluffy black and yellow duckling. It tilted its small head as if studying him and gave another cheep that seemed to say, "what was that for?". It then stood up and ruffling its feathers, shook off the ashes of Havoc's cigarette.

The simple action that seeped with utter cuteness seemed to knock Jean out of his daze and he looked around. One duckling in his ashtray, three snoozing in a pile on his spare pillow, one navigating the bed sheeted space between his legs, two crammed into the pasta pot he had filled with water to soak it last night, and one using his mussed up hair as a nest.

"Huh." Was all he said as he dazedly removed the duckling from his head and set his baby duck filled ashtray on the bed. Then, standing up Havoc made his way to the bathroom. He turned the water for a cold shower on and went to his closet to gather his military garb. Halfway to back to his bathroom, Jean noticed a series of peeps and cheeps behind him. He turned to look and sure enough, all eight ducklings were in a neat, orderly line after him. Havoc chuckled and shedding his boxers, walked over to the shower.

He opened the door to his shower stall and eight little gratified peeps sounded as the ducklings filed in the shower, as if thanking their 'Mom' for opening the door for them. They were very polite little guys. Havoc, however was not charmed. He didn't feel right showering with the little birds and would be late for work if he waited for them to be done… what the hell was he thinking! Wait for them to finish showering?! Had he lost all his sanity and cognitive thinking?

"Alright, that's it!" He yelled as the eight peeped happily, fluffing their little fluffy feathers. "Get out of my shower you fluffy bastards!!" Havoc yelled exasperatedly.

"Peep?" came the answer followed by eight pairs of black eyes looking every which way. The little demons weren't even listening to him! Havoc expelled a stream of cuss words and the only response he got was the ruffling of feathers in an attempt to get the water off of them.

Havoc punched the wall in exasperation. His military issued car was in for repairs and living too far to walk; Hawkeye had offered to pick him up as she drove the Colonel to work that day. They would arrive in forty five minutes unless she was late. The 1st lieutenant was never late. Things were getting desperate for the smoking 2nd Lieutenant until an idea occurred to him.

Jean began to walk out of the bathroom, whistling inconspicuously until he heard the chorus of cheeps from behind. "Aha!" He cried triumphantly. His attempt to lure them out of the shower worked and he leapt over the bed in an attempt to beat them to the shower. "It is a perfect plan," Havoc mused with a grin. "By time the ducklings get over the bed, I'll be out of the sho-damn it all to hell!!!" He yelled in exasperation, as he stood before five out of the eight ducklings waddle in the shower to join their siblings who had beat him to the punch. It didn't occur to him that they could have waddled _under_ the bed. He looked at the clock realizing that he had had an half an hour to get ready. It was his only choice. He had no other way to get ready in time.

Havoc ran out of the bathroom again, knowing now that the ducklings would follow him and after thinking he lost them around the kitchen table, ran back to the shower…only to find the ducklings beat him to the punch. This began a cycle of Havoc running back and forth only to have the baby ducks climb in before he could shut the shower door or beat him to the bathroom. As this run and chase went on, Havoc had lost track of the time and as the door bell sounded, he was too preoccupied to remember his boxers lay on the bathroom floor.

"What is it?!" he demanded while opening the door. Jean lost his voice and nerve though, as he stood face to face with the visitor: Lt. Hawkeye. Her face was pale and her widened eyes took in her subordinate's birthday suit. Both stood there for a moment, too shocked to speak until Havoc, saluted to Riza. "Forgive me sir, I was not expecting you so early." Havoc explained as the eight ducklings gathered around his feet. Riza identified them as the same little guys who followed Ed the day before. "I'm sorry you had to see this, 1st lieutenant." Havoc continued.

Riza seemed to recover from the shock of Havoc, as naked as a jay bird answering the door in the nude. "Trust me, 2nd lieutenant, there was nothing _to_ see." Hawkeye replied as Roy came up the stairs, not wanting to wait in the car any longer. However when he saw Havoc standing nude in the door way and the ducks at his feet, he burst into laughter. It seemed that Havoc had not woken up alone and decided to comment on it. Riza frowned. "2nd Lt., why are you...not ready?" Hawkeye asked at a loss of what else to say.

"The damned ducks are dominating my damned shower!!" Havoc explained in the most coherent way he could think of. It didn't occur to him that it sounded less coherent than saying the dingo ate his baby. Colonel and 1st lt. exchanged glances before Roy said, "On second thought, come in when ever you're ready, Havoc." He began to walk away but paused and added over his shoulders, "And leave your girlfriends at home."

**A/n: hey yoo-hoo/panda here. On behalf of Gem/Racoon and I, we'd like to thank all those who read and reviewed our insanity. I think it is safe to say I made many havoc fangirls happy this chap. Well, Gem/Racoon will be tackling next chapter. Who will receive the eight little ball of peach fuzz next? Will Roy get what's coming to him? Stay tuned!!**


	3. Breda's bread

feshnie: The part where it mentions about Havoc's spare key is something Al overheard. So he snuck in.

Artificial Life Creator: Thank you for reviewing our absolute craziness.

Gem/Raccoon: As yoo-hoo/panda said last chapter, thanks to everyone who loves our craziness. We own nothing except the ducks, the bowl, the bucket, and the idea. I can't sing so you won't hear me humming Mission Impossible. Also, because I don't like a dead Maes Hughes, he's alive and there is random OOCness.

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After about an hour of running around in his birthday suit, Havoc finally managed to get the ducklings settled in a pot in his sink. He was glad that Hawkeye decided to let him off lightly. Sure he was two hours late for work but there wasn't much he could do until he could keep the ducklings out of his shower. He made sure once again that the ducklings were happy in their new "pond" before he headed out the door.

"Is everything settled?" Hawkeye asked Havoc as he came in.

"Yes. Sorry that you had to see that."

"It happens to the best of us."

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Al played the Mission Impossible theme in his mind as he snuck into Havoc's apartment again. It had taken Al quite a bit of time for his brother to fall asleep and even longer for Havoc. The ducks had all fallen asleep either in Havoc's hair or on his pillow. Al was glad that he left the main part of his chest in the hall. That would keep Havoc from waking up as Al gently placed the baby ducks in his chest. He snuck out again and replaced the rest of his armor on him. Next up was Fury and Breda.

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Havoc woke up at a normal time the next morning. He stretched and didn't hear any indigent peeps. He was FREE!!! No more fuzzy bastards dominating his shower! Havoc leapt out of bed and ran into the bathroom. Today he could enjoy his shower in peace.

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Al had timed this perfectly. Ed was on a mission that he couldn't go on so Al decided to occupy himself with exchanging where the ducklings were. He watched from around the corner as Fury and Breda headed towards the showers clad only in their boxers.

_"Perfect."_

A few minutes later, the ducklings were settled in Fury and Breda's rooms. They wouldn't be found until after the two of them were back from the shower and judging by the sound, they wouldn't be back for a while.

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Fury and Breda had been about to take their showers when they heard retching from one of the stalls. Further investigation showed that it was Falman who was busy retching into the toilet. Breda made sure Falman would be fine while he told Fury to go call the office and tell them that Falman was sick and they were going to be late.

"Hello?"

"Lieutenant, it's Falman. He's sick."

"Tell me what happened."

"Breda and I found him in the bathroom kind of…busy."

At this point retching reached Hawkeye's ears.

"All right. Are you both with him?"

"Breda's making sure that he's okay at the moment."

"Just get in when you are able to. And tell Falman to get better."

By that time Breda and Falman were slowly walking back towards Falman's room. It was time for mission impossible: raiding the cafeteria. They headed back to their own rooms to get dressed and found ducks crawling on their pillows. Fury took it in stride and wandered down to Breda's room with the ducks following him. Breda opened the door and walked out with his own set of ducklings following him.

"New mission. Raid the cafeteria. A bucket and the largest bowl we can find are going to be our objectives. The bucket to Falman and the bowl for these ducks."

Breda and Fury managed after five tries to get the ducks to stay in Breda's room. They successfully raided the kitchen for the two items they needed and as they snuck out, Fury quietly sang the mission impossible theme under his breath. He continued until they were almost back to the dorms and then yelled "Mission Impossible."

"Fury, you do know that the entire point of having a 'mission' was to stay quiet?"

"But yelling Mission Impossible is fun."

Breda rolled his eyes and knocked once on Falman's door before opening it. After making sure that Falman would be fine for the rest of the day, Breda and Fury headed to pick up the baby ducks. Fury had already filled the bowl with water and all they had to do was usher the ducks into it once they were at the office. The ducklings formed two nice lines behind them and followed them to the office.

Roy glanced up and saw the tiny ducks waddling in behind both of them. There was some peeping from them but as soon as they were settled into the bowl, they quit peeping. He was very confused. Where did the ducks keep coming from? Well, at least they were being quiet for the moment. He would fry them if they got on his nerves. Lunch time was beginning to draw closer and it was obvious from the noise that the ducklings were hungry too.

"Will someone shut the damn ducks up!?" Roy yelled.

"Those are the fuzzy bastards who dominated my shower!"

"Should I go get some bread for them?" Fury asked.

"Don't," Breda replied. "Here."

A piece of bread was aimed in Fury's general direction and the direction of the peeping.

"Breda, why do you have bread in your desk?" Hawkeye asked.

"Why not?"

"Breda, how much bread do you have in your desk?"

In response Breda let the rest of the office attack his desk. They started pulling out all sorts of bread. White, wheat, whole grain, flat bread, pita bread, croissants, bagels….if it was bread-like material, Breda had it. Just then Maes Hughes walked in.

"Breda, I heard that you had bread. Could I possibly use some to make some toast to take to Falman because I heard that he's sick?"

Breda threw two pieces of bread at Hughes. He caught them in surprise and then left the room to go visit Falman. The amount of bread that was appearing out of Breda's desk was amazing.

"Breda, how did you manage to fit so much bread in your desk without it being smashed in any way, shape, or form?" Roy asked.

"IT'S A PARALLEL DIMENSION!" Ed yelled as he walked in the room and then promptly walked out.

They stared at the door for a moment before making sure that the ducklings had their own lunch and finished with their lunches. It stayed quiet for the rest of the day except for people asking for bread at random times. Breda just chucked the bread at whoever asked. At one point, everyone was munching on a piece of bread when Ed wandered in again. He walked over to Breda's desk, grabbed the last four slices of the white flat bread and walked out. Roy gave an odd look at Ed's second random appearance but let it go. The boy was probably hungry.

Another round of peeping began around dinner time that evening. It was time for them to leave. Fury and Breda gently scooped the ducklings out of the bowl and set them on the floor. The ducks formed two orderly lines behind them and followed both out. It made an absolutely funny sight from behind. Neither decided to go out that night and as a result went to bed early. They might as well get a beauty sleep while they could.

Gem/Raccoon: So I had a bit of fun with this chapter. Also the thing with Breda having bread in his desk was me misspelling his name when I was figuring out what I wanted to write about in this chapter. I honestly accidentally spelled Breda's name as bread. Yoo-hoo/Panda can prove it. Please review our craziness.


	4. Do you wanna buy a duck?

**Yoo-hoo/panda: hey all! We thank for the reviews and hope you follow the ducklings on their perilous journey for chappies to come.**

**XXXXXXX**

Hawkeye walked into the office the next day and without saying a word, filled the bowl with water and set a book entitled "So Ducklings Think You're Their Mother: how to raise orphaned ducklings" next to the bowl.

Riza Hawkeye was a woman of stability and though she could adapt quite well to any situation, she took a personal liking to having a day with minimum surprises. After all, prior preparation prevented poor performance. She filled her coffee mug with coffee and slipped in a little bit of her "own personal" coffee cream in the mug. The alcohol gave her the edge she knew she needed if the ducklings were to show up again and if she was going to thwart the Colonel's attempt of fowlicide. Taking a quick sip of her coffee concoction, Riza stepped out to gather the Colonel's paper work for the day.

**XXXXX**

With sparkles abound and the blonde mustache covering his lack of mouth, Alexander Louis Armstrong strode into work. As you can expect, Al secretly visited Armstrong by means strange and mysterious and promptly left the ducklings there.

However as the four previous receivers of ducks took them as a burden, Armstrong seemed overjoyed to have eight little peeping balls of fluff follow him. As he made his way to Mustang's office the eight had formed a single file. Armstrong had placed one curl similar to his on each tiny duckling head and all eight had their very own teeny tiny sparkles.

Armstrong's head was held high as he stalked down the hall to Mustang's office, oblivious to the snickers of the secretaries. It wasn't very long until he ran into Hughes. "Major Armstrong." Hughes greeted as he walked by, flashing a picture of his little girl to the major. After walking past Armstrong and the ducklings, Maes paused and looked back. "Hey, aren't those Breda's and Fury's ducklings?" He wondered.

"Not to my knowledge." Replied Armstrong. "I found them in my toilet this morning swimming around."

"What a drag. Did you hear what happened to Havoc the other day?"

"Hmm." Armstrong nodded, "Answered the door naked as a jay bird only to find the Lieutenant."

"Well, I hope they don't give you too much trouble. You know my little Elysia is begging us for a kitty. Look, here she is in front of the pet shop!" Hughes held out a picture of his daughter then knelt down to show it to the ducklings. They peeped their interest and politely formed a half circle each viewing the picture. Then each flapped his teeny tiny wings in approval.

"Um, Major," Hughes began realizing that sparkles and single curls of hair was not normal for ducks, "Why are they wearing wigs?"

Armstrong puffed up with pride and answered, "It is the Armstrong way of branding ducks. Duck rearing has been in the Armstrong family for generations!!" Hughes sweat dropped in reply as Armstrong made a duck call with his hands. "Good day, Lt. Colonel. Quack, Florencio. Quack, Jaala. Quack, Feofilakt. Quack, Vit Bohumil. Quack, Hatshepsut. Quack, Silkythreat. Quack, Sparklepuff. Quack, Roxelana."

"On Comet, on Cupid on Donner and Blitzen!!" Hughes finished as he walked away, thinking he could not believe Armstrong named them. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good-hey! Wanna see a picture of my little girl?" Hughes said, seeing other co-workers who had not seen that particular photo and ran after them.

The ducklings peeped asking each other in their own little ducky language how one man could be so empty minded. They decided to drop it as they followed Armstrong: the man they called Mommy.

When the nine reached Roy's office, no one was present. So Armstrong placed the ducklings in the bowl and left to do his rounds.

The ducklings swam happily in their makeshift pond for about twenty minutes until Hawkeye and Roy entered. Riza had an armful of paperwork in her arms and a motherly tone in her voice. "Sir, you need to buckle down today. You got precious little done yesterday with…" she trailed off ass she beheld the now duckful bowl. "…the…ducks…"

"I'm going to kill Fury and Breda." Roy mumbled moving to his desk.

Hawkeye furrowed her brows. "Odd, Fury and Breda have not clocked in yet…unless they pawned them off to Fal- SIR!" her thoughts interrupted, Riza ran to Roy's desk where he was rummaging through his drawers for what she believed was an extra pair of ignition cloth gloves.

"Sure they were loud yesterday but that's no reason to _kill_ them, Colonel!" Hawkeye reminded him with a slightly raised voice. Roy didn't look up and the lieutenant was certain that he had not heard her. What she didn't expect was the megaphone Roy grabbed from his desk. Though she had little time to breathe a sigh of relief for the Colonel threw open his large windows and yelled into the megaphone, "DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK?!!"

"A duck?" A lone disembodied voice from the streets answered.

"A DUCK." Roy clarified.

"Does it quack?" the person questioned.

"OF COURSE IT QUACKS!" Roy answered and was told to hold on a moment as the voice yelled out its window, "Do you want to buy a duck?"

"A what?" a second voice hollered back.

"A what?" the first voice asked of Roy.

"A DUCK." Roy clarified.

"A duck." The first voice clarified to the other.

"Does it quack?" voice two questioned.

"Does it quack?" the first person hollered.

"OF COURSE IT QUACKS!" Roy answered and was told to hold on a moment as the second voice yelled out its window, "Do you want to buy a duck?"

"A what?" a third voice chimed in.

"A what?" a second voice hollered back.

"A what?" the first voice asked of Roy.

"A DUCK." Roy clarified.

"A duck." The first voice clarified to the other.

"A duck." The second voice relayed.

"Does it quack?" voice three questioned.

"Does it quack?" voice two asked.

"Does it quack?" the first person hollered.

"OF COURSE IT QUACKS!" Roy answered and was told to hold on a moment as the third voice yelled out its window, "Do you want to buy a duck?"

This went on for fifteen minutes until Riza was certain, six blocks away from central were inquiring about the ducks. Hawkeye had had just about enough. How was Roy ever going to get his work done if he was auctioning off the ducklings? She had to take action and seizing the megaphone yelled. "We're all sold out!!"

"Then stop trying to sell them!!" one of the voices answered indignantly.

"Lt. Hawkeye!" Armstrong gasped in horror. "How can you try to sell my ducklings?" He walked over to the bowl and picked up one of the eight. "Look at little

Feofilakt. How can you deny him?"

"Yeah, Lieutenant." Roy added then paused. "You named them Armstrong? That's just like you."

Armstrong nodded. "Allow me to introduce…the Armstrong Ducklings!!" He cried and ripped off his shirt, releasing sparkles everywhere. "Florencio, Jaala, Vit Bohumil, Hatshepsut, Silkythreat, Sparklepuff and Roxelana."

The Colonel and his lieutenant exchanged glances of doubt. They were both certain that each duckling had individual sparkles and their very own Armstrong haircuts. It was a moment until Hawkeye began to move, toward her desk where she had discarded the files. "Jaala, Armstrong?" she asked.

"It means wild goat."

"You named a duckling after a wild goat?" Riza wondered with a raised brow. She handed the Colonel his coffee, free of the alcohol cream she used in hers.

"Armstrongs have been naming our ducks after wild goats, Lieutenant."

"Point taken." Riza conceded. "But Silkythreat?" She placed Roy's work on his desk as Havoc, Fury, Breda and the newly healed Falman (twas a twenty four hour flu) entered.

"Sounds like homicidal lingerie if you ask me…" Riza finished taking a sip of her coffee.

The four underlings stopped dead in their tracks, eyes wide as they took in the rarest of events: Lt. Hawkeye speaking of her undergarments. "Looks like we've chose the worst time possible to walk into the office." Fury mumbled.

**Abrupt ending? Yes, but guess what…I don't care. It sounded like a good place to finish. Please review.**


	5. Craziness Abounds

Wandering Hitokiri-Glad we made you laugh.

Artificial Life Creator-Thanks!

Fullmetal Archer-We are random! We do keep a semblance of a plot though.

junodog-Glad you liked that.

neopyrocitrine-New chapters come as we get ideas and aren't bombed by school work. New chapter!

Gem/Raccoon: Don't ask about the song because I honestly have no idea who in my family learned it first. My mother taught me this crazy song and yoo-hoo/panda and a friend of ours got to hear me sing it. Said friend was a bit scared just because of how crazy the song is. I only own the song, the idea, and the clothes. Also, mah is supposed to be a kissing sound.

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Al listened to his brother sing under his breath as he tried to fall asleep. It was a song that their mother had taught them years ago. They would beg her to sing it with them before they went to bed. He joined his brother with the crazy song.

Oh the cannibal king

With the big nose ring

Made love to the hula-hula

And every night

By the pale moon light

Across the lake he ca-a-ame

He hugged and kissed

The pretty little miss

Under the bamboo tre-ee-ee

And every night

By the pale moonlight

It sounded like this to me-ee-ee

Arump mah mah

Arump mah mah

Arump audi-audi-audi-a

Arump mah mah

Arump mah mah

Arump audi-audi-a

If you'll be m-i-n-e mine, I'll be t-h-i-n-e thine

I'll l-o-v-e love you all the time t-i-m-e

You are the b-e-s-t best of all the r-e-s-t rest

And I'll l-o-v-e love you all the t-i-m-e time

Just like an l-a-r-k lark out in the p-a-r-k park

I'll k-i-s-s kiss you in the d-a-r-k dark

You are the b-e-s-t best of all the r-e-s-t rest

And I'll l-o-v-e love you all the t-i-m-e time

Match in a gas tank

Boom boom

Ed smiled slightly as he heard Al join in. It had been forever since he sang this crazy song. He curled on his side as soon as it ended. With a small smile playing on his lips, he fell asleep. Al was smiling too and he gently covered his brother up. He had a mission to complete.

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Falman found that he couldn't sleep that night so he decided to sing a crazy song his mother had taught him quite a few years back. It certainly was a crazy song but for some reason it helped him sleep. Little did he know that the two people on either side of him heard the song. And that that particular song would be sung at the office the next day.

Falman was unaware of what went on around him after he finally fell asleep. Al sang the song under his breath as he first snuck into Major Armstrong's place and then again as he snuck into Falman's room. He scooped the sleeping ducks out of his armor and arranged them in a circle on Falman's chest.

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Roy and Hawkeye stared as they walked into the office. It was pandemonium. For some reason, Falman was up on a desk singing and finished off with "match in a gas tank, boom boom." Around his feet were eight baby ducks who quacked with the boom boom part. Needless to say, they were just a bit scared. Fury leaned over and turned on the radio which was set to a polka station. In response to the fast beat polka that came on, Roy began to polka around the office with Hawkeye.

Slight problem though, the other guys wanted to dance and it was common knowledge that two guys couldn't dance together except for about two dances total. That issue was quickly solved when two girls walked into the room. The first girl was wearing tight blue jeans that flared out towards the bottom, black boots with a thick heel, a pink camisole, and a tight short sleeved red shirt with a flower design up the left front and left back sides. The other girl was also wearing tight blue jeans that flared slightly, tennis shoes, a pink camisole, and a short sleeved brown t-shirt.

The first girl grabbed Fury and began to whirl him around in a circle. The second girl followed the first girl's lead but she had grabbed Havoc. A few minutes later, a third girl walked in wearing tight blue jeans, black boots with a heel, a black camisole, and a white long sleeved top. Following the other two girls' lead, she grabbed Falman and joined the circle that was forming. More people started to walk in and joined the craziness that is also known as polkaing.

"What are your names?" Fury asked the girl he was dancing with.

"I'm Gem. That's Mimi," she said while pointing at the second girl. "And that's Safiya."

Partners went like this: Roy and Riza, Fury and Gem, Havoc and Mimi, Falman and Safiya, Ed and Pinako, Al and Winry, Breda and Rose, and Armstrong and Zuleika. Zuleika worked at the reception desk sometimes when she wasn't busy with her family. The ducks had also paired up and their list was: Florencio and Hatshepsut, Jaala and Silkythreat, Feofilakt and Sparklepuff, and Vit Bohumil and Roxelana.

Gem called out steps to the polka since she recognized it and everyone followed suit. Before they began though, Ed quickly transmuted the desks into a stage and everyone hopped up on it. The ducks were doing their own form of water polkaing in a bowl of water. The song ended and everyone went back to work. Gem, Mimi, and Safiya bid goodbye to all the military personal and left towards the front door. Except they didn't walk, they skipped and sang "we're off to see the wizard." Zuleika and Armstrong headed back to their own workspaces, and Winry, Pinako, and Rose headed back to Resembool.

The rest of them collapsed across the desks completely out of breath. That song had four parts to it. FOUR! Even Hawkeye was tired enough to not yell at the guys to get back to work. A few minutes later, all the ducks were laying on Falman's stomach as he took a nap across his desk. Falman wasn't the only one to fall asleep though. Havoc, Fury, Breda, and Roy also fell asleep across the desk. Hawkeye motioned for the Elric brothers to be quiet before getting herself out of the pile and helping Ed out so no one woke up.

"There's a camera in the top left drawer of my desk," she whispered to them.

Ed nodded in understanding and crept towards Hawkeye's desk. He found the camera after a moment and returned holding it in his hand. The look in his eyes said "what now?" Hawkeye motioned him to get up on Al's shoulders to get a full shot of the guys laying on the desks. Ed grinned in an evil way as Al gently placed Ed on his shoulder. No one woke up with the flash of light that went off since they were all too tired. Hawkeye gently scooped the ducks off of Falman and made a duck toupee. Ed got a shot of that too and everyone else got their picture taken with a "duck toupee." Hawkeye was definitely more evil than anyone ever realized. A few pictures later and Hawkeye, Ed, and Al were out of the office and on their way to develop the pictures. Hawkeye locked the door behind her and let the guys sleep.

"I never realized that you had an evil side," Ed told her.

"Everyone does. Except it's less noticeable in some people."

The three of them quickly reached Hawkeye's apartment and she showed them the dark room in the guest bedroom of her apartment. Soon, the pictures were developed and were going to be hung up all over headquarters.

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Falman woke up to yet another fast paced polka but he didn't feel like dancing again. And neither did the ducks that had followed him into work that day. Sitting up gently to not disturb the ducklings too much, he saw Roy, Fury, Breda, and Havoc still asleep. He looked around still slightly groggy and noticed pictures on the wall. Pictures that hadn't been there when they fell asleep.

"Oh crap," he said.

Roy was the next to wake up and he nearly screamed when he saw the pictures. And the captions! Oh the captions! Roy rushed over and tried to rip them off the wall but they wouldn't come off! At his frustrated yell, Fury, Breda, and Havoc woke up and attempted to pull the pictures of the wall to no avail. Roy noticed something wrong though. Where was Hawkeye?

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Hawkeye and Ed were both hiding in Al's body and trying not to laugh or fall down into the legs. The pictures were unable to get down as far as the rest of the office knew. But the three of them knew better. Super glue was an amazing thing. The evidence needed to be hidden though on who created the pictures. There was no room in the dorms for a dark room and Al stayed by Ed's side most of the time. Hawkeye was sure that Roy would find some way to check her apartment so she needed to hide the evidence now.

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Yells and lots of quacking could be heard from Roy Mustang's office. Military personal had started to avoid the area like the plague due to the amount of profanity out of the mouths of the officers in the room. But what was happening inside the office?

"Why won't this come off the wall?" Roy yelled. He knew that he couldn't use his flame alchemy in fear of accidentally burning down the building.

Fury and Breda were tugging on another picture. They had managed to get a corner loose and while Fury held onto the picture, Breda grabbed Fury around the waist and pulled him backwards. Havoc and Falman had found screwdrivers somewhere in Roy's desk and were trying to pry loose the pictures using the flat blade of the screwdriver. Neither one wanted to know why there were screwdrivers in Roy's desk but they got the answer anyway.

"Ed's friend Winry basically threw them at me and yelled at me to throw them at Ed if he screws up his automail."

"Does he know that you have a set of screwdrivers in your desk?" Fury asked.

Roy didn't seem to see the harm in telling them. "He knows."

"Well that explains the yelling that went on the last time he was here," Havoc said.

The actual truth of what happened was Ed's arm was beginning to feel a bit loose and he didn't want to bother Winry with such a minor problem. So he went into Roy's office and began maintenance work while giving his report. Only something went wrong and Ed yelled in pain. So Roy made him sit still and give directions before giving his report. Roy didn't want to be hit in the head with a wrench due to Ed's lack of maintenance so Roy made Ed do maintenance on his leg too. That one was when Ed screamed in pain and someone asked through the door if everything was fine.

Back at the present though, the guys weren't making any progress getting the pictures in the office down. The ducks tried to help by building a "duck tower" and trying to get a corner loose. It just wasn't happening and they quacked every time they fell. They also quacked as they rebuilt their tower.

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Hawkeye giggled like an insane school girl once she was back at her apartment. They needed to hide all evidence of the pictures and her dark room. Al was the one sneaking her and Ed into headquarters. They managed to find a few loose floorboards in the guest bedroom and so that's where all the equipment went. She tidied up the room a bit and no one except her, Ed, and Al ever knew that it was there. Al gave them a hand to help them sneak back into headquarters and to watch the office go nuts.

The trip was somewhat difficult but they managed. Al managed to sneak into a closet in the room and let Ed out. Ed watched through a slit in the door as Al sauntered over to the next closet and repeated the same process. Finally, Al hid in the third closet in the room. All the while, the men were yelling obscenities and the ducks were quacking.

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Roy was really getting worried. Where was Hawkeye and why wouldn't the ducks shut up?

"THAT'S IT! IF THOSE FLUFFY BASTARDS DON'T SHUT UP NOW, I'M GOING TO FRY THEM!" Roy yelled. He panted a bit afterwards and then said in a much calmer voice, "Okay, I'm calm now."

Well that stopped the ducks from quacking. The ducks were so scared that they gathered around Falman's feet in hopes of not being fried. This silence didn't last long when the three closets in the room all burst open simultaneously, and they were attacked by none other than Ed, Al, and Hawkeye. Hawkeye tackled Roy for threatening the ducklings; Ed knocked over Fury and Breda; and Al went to go protect Falman and the ducks. After about a minute of staring, the entire office bust out laughing.

"Care to help us get the pictures of the wall?" Roy asked.

"Nope," Ed said and promptly sauntered out of the room.

"It's more fun to watch you try to get the pictures off the wall," added Hawkeye before she, too, followed Ed.

Al just shook his head and left after his brother and Hawkeye. The rest of the guys looked at their retreating backs and then decided to give up on getting the pictures off the wall. For some odd reason, Gem walked in with a bucket of hot water and five sponges.

"That glue requires hot water to get it off the wall. Have fun!" And she left too to go back to being productive.

Roy watched her leave and then grabbed a sponge and this time tried to get the picture off the wall. He was actually successful! Seeing his success, the rest of the guys grabbed their own sponges and began running around looking for the rest of the pictures. Several people yelled as Falman tore past them with a line of quacking ducklings following him.

Needless to say, none of them finished their paperwork that day but by the end of the day, all the pictures were down off the walls. Falman, Breda, and Fury returned to the dorms exhausted from running through the halls. Falman locked the door to his room and barely remembered to change before falling asleep across his bed. The ducklings managed to get on the bed and slept on Falman's chest once more.

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Gem/Raccoon: So me, yoo-hoo, and a friend of our's made it into the story. But then again, I needed girls to dance with the guys. Also, the glue that they used is used in building balsa wood structures. It's some amazing stuff and the only way I've seen it come off is with hot water and that's while it's drying. Also, I should be studying but I typed this instead.


	6. Emergency broadcast

Roy steps out on to a stage, though nobody sits in the seats before him. The spotlight sits squarely in center stage and does not follow Roy as he treks to the center of the stage. Our colonel is not dressed in much. Faded blue jean overalls are all that covers his torso and legs. A piece of golden straw graces his (smexy) mouth and a wide brimmed straw hat sat atop of his head. Needless to say, he looked like he stepped right out of an episode of Green Acres or The Beverly Hillbillies.

A disembodied voice, possibly from the light booth, said in a bad French accent, "And now, a word from ze authors…" All was silent and all the attention was squarely on Roy, waiting for him to do something.

At length Roy took the straw out of his mouth and said with a hillbilly accent, "Cornpone."

And then promptly left the stage. The spotlight still rested in the center as Roy's voice filled the auditorium in the hillbilly accent. "That there is a test of the emergency chapter system. This is only a test seein' ifen this was an emergency, I would have told ya'll, 'This here is not a test.' But seein as thing is just a test, I did not say that. Please hang tight, the next chapter in 'Are m' Ma?' will be up shortly. Thank ya an ya'll come back now, ya hear?"


End file.
